Navigating Joy and Grief: Welcoming a Newborn After Loss

On September 21st, 2024, exactly 787 days after the passing of our daughter, we welcomed our perfect baby boy, Owen Haze Misick, into the world. While no one in our situation is ever truly "ready" for life after loss, we understood the necessity of continuing to live, even though our daughter was no longer with us. It was important to move forward in life for the sake of our other sons and ourselves. It's common to see people fall into utter despair after a loss like ours and never recover. Although I completely understand why people tend to do this, it wasn't an option for us. We have worked too hard to reach this point, and it was time to be strong for our family.

Welcome to the family, Owen Haze!

Let's start from the beginning....after Hazel's passing.

We arrived at a point where Lucas was evidently feeling lonely without his sister and often asked if we would ever have another baby. Naturally, this was something we were considering, but nobody ever talks about the guilt associated with the mere thought of "moving on" and having another child after experiencing such a deep loss. It took us 10 attempts to have Hazel, and honestly, considering the sensitive and fragile state I was in, I didn't believe I could handle such an experience again.

Lucas and Hazel were BFFs <3

After extensive discussions, we decided that if I experienced another miscarriage, we would proceed directly to IVF. Sure enough, we became pregnant in April 2023, only to face another miscarriage. If you're keeping track, that was number 12 (I had one before Lucas was born)...and the last one I swore I would ever have. After recovering from this loss and finding the strength to continue, I contacted the infertility specialist. We had our initial consultation just before the 2024 New Year, discussed the next steps, and planned to begin our IVF journey on January 31st, 2024. With one cycle remaining before starting IVF, we continued trying naturally, not expecting any results since we had been trying for a few months post-miscarriage. Remarkably, on January 29th, just two days before our scheduled appointment, I saw two lines on the pregnancy test.

We've been in this situation numerous times before. It was frustrating because deep down, I suspected it would end in a miscarriage, further postponing our IVF process. It's truly disheartening that seeing two lines on a pregnancy test no longer brought any joy. I hesitantly canceled our IVF appointment, deciding to wait and see how this pregnancy progressed. A few days later, I arranged my first blood draw, a process I've been through numerous times before. The following week, my HCG levels were:

January 30th - 20.2 mU/mL

February 1st - 81 mU/mL

February 3rd - 220.5 mU/mL

February 5th - 618.7 mU/mL

I hope you haven't encountered this situation, but if you've experienced loss and needed to monitor your HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone produced by the placenta during pregnancy), you'll understand that these figures are quite encouraging. They were more than doubling every few days, just like Lucas and Hazel's numbers.

At this stage, I began to feel pregnant. My lines were progressing. I was experiencing fatigue and nausea. It was the first time it felt like this might truly be happening.

Continue to anxiously test

For the next few weeks, we simply had to wait until my first ultrasound, which was set for February 15th. The night before the ultrasound, Lucas woke up in the middle of the night, vomiting. At that moment, I realized this baby was going to be special and become a part of our family. You might think it's odd to say that after your child is sick, but if you're familiar with Hazel's signs, you know she expresses herself through her brother. Whenever we have a big event or a special day, Lucas becomes sick. It's like clockwork. So, while it was upsetting to see Lucas feeling like crap, I knew it was his sister looking out for us, helping us focus away from the stress and reassuring us that everything would be alright.

Ironically, the following morning, my husband couldn't accompany me to the ultrasound because Lucas was vomiting every 20 minutes. And my parents, who live just down the street, were in Mexico. Therefore, my best friend and next-door neighbor, Taylor, went with me to the ultrasound. She has been through everything with me, so having her by my side was wonderful. Needless to say, when we saw that tiny bean and its fluttering heartbeat, we both cried like babies.

The first time we met our sweet Owen!

I wish I could express exactly how conflicted I felt at that moment. On one side, I'm truly happy to be pregnant, to see a heartbeat, and to avoid the IVF process. Yet, on the other side, I'm still grieving the loss of my daughter. A dark dread still loomed over me. Will I ever love this baby as much as I loved Hazel? Will I ever sleep again once this baby is born? Will the stress ever lessen? Will this baby die too? What will people think of me? Is this too soon?

Throughout the entire pregnancy, I felt disconnected from the baby. It didn't seem real, and honestly, I was just terrified. I felt so vulnerable and believed I couldn't handle any more bad news in my life. This feeling is something no one can fully comprehend until they experience it themselves. When we discovered we were having a boy, these emotions intensified for both my husband and me. But in two completely different ways. We obviously both wanted a healthy baby first and foremost. But Sean was really hoping for a girl, while I was very pleased it was a boy. I wasn't sure if I could emotionally and mentally handle having a girl, as the feeling of missing Hazel was so overwhelming. However, I also understood that my husband deeply wanted a daughter—someone who would grow old with him and love him for the rest of his life. Although he has Hazel, he won't have the chance to walk her down the aisle, fix her car, comfort her when she's fighting with her mom, or intimidate her boyfriends. She was his girl, and quite frankly, it fucking pisses me off that he was robbed of that relationship.

During my pregnancy, I naturally encountered numerous complications. Every time I visited a doctor's office, I was undoubtedly a cause for concern. I had lost my daughter, was under immense stress, had poor blood pressure, and was considered a geriatric pregnant woman with a history of 12 miscarriages. RED FLAG! It goes without saying that I was eager to get Owen out, and so was everyone else!

So many doctors appointments!

Despite everything, when Owen was born, many of my negative thoughts disappeared—it was so unexpected. I was convinced I wouldn't bond with him as deeply as I did. I didn't anticipate enjoying the newborn phase as much as I did, and I certainly didn't expect to navigate the first seven months so smoothly. It's astounding how one can hold both grief and joy simultaneously. From the outside, it probably looks overwhelming, but for us, it's our new normal. I can hardly remember the days when I wasn't grieving for my daughter; it's become a part of who I am.

Now that we've surpassed the 6-month milestone, the age at which Hazel passed away, I feel like I can breathe just a LITTLE more easily. The stress will never fully disappear. I've noticed that this stress has seeped into every aspect of my life, not just concerning the kids. For many months after Hazel's passing, I couldn't go an hour without crying. Everything triggered my emotions, and I didn't know how I would manage to cope.

So, how did I manage to get through it, and continue to get through it? With the support of family, friends, establishing The Hazel Joy Memorial Foundation, assisting others in similar situations, and Zoloft. Not kidding.

Each person copes with grief in their own way, and my experience is uniquely mine. However, I believe it's crucial to find your purpose. Despite experiencing loss, you remain important, and there are still people who love and need you. Life continues to move forward, regardless of whether you want it to or not. Yes, I lost my daughter, but I still have many reasons to live. Hazel wasn't my only child, and I will carry on with my life, hoping she feels proud of her Mommy.

Me and my sweet girl

There's a distinct "before Hazel" and "after Hazel" phase in my life, and I'm learning to be content with that. I never imagined I could be this happy, but it has certainly required a lot of effort. I can genuinely say that I'm excited about the future, which is far more than I could have said 787 days ago.

Grateful for this crew